HONESTLY?

She sat there gazing out the window contemplating her life and existence. Lost in translation, the words fighting to escape... She was just mute. In all her aching, her heart's voice was deadened by her fear of rejection. Could she ever really be happy? Her ideas and notions about "it all" may just be that... a thought captured in her mind engraved with hopes. And at that moment she realized that. Sad and somber, reality hit her like a ton of bricks. Could anyone get it fully? She was into substance and full circle moments. Diluted was not even in her capacity anymore. Anything that looked similar to mediocre was just not OK. Yikes! What was she doing? She had no idea. Really? Hmm...

Soothing Riddle Circulating Light

Slicing slitting slithering seethe

Raunchy roaring reeling wrath

Creeping crawling critical cat

Lusting Luscious Luminous Leech

wrote that like 5 or 6 years ago. Had to bring it back

Being in love... What is that anyway? Do we all even reach that? Can we reach that? Or do our natural defenses protect us as soon as the caution flags spring up just as soon as the situation reaches risky status... or the "danger zone"...

It's funny to me that we dive into it knowing we are entering that zone and feel a little uncomfortable, but don't mind it too much as long as the risk has a safety net... Which would ultimately be what we originally set out for.

Sometimes I feel brave and then I feel timid and nervous. When I am brave I don't think I am risking possibly enough. Or something that I hold at a great value. Maybe what I feel should be valued or appreciated I really do not value or appreciate at all... Like money. I need it, I want it, I can not function with out it, but do I really value it like the value I place on it? Probably not when I buy a clutch when I need gas.

What am I saying? Am I just babbling? Sort of... But I know my ideas and thoughts. It all makes sense to me. Honestly, I have been in situations and seen people in situations over the past few months and you know what I think everyone values or has appreciation for mostly? Rejection. So what does this mean? Are we a society that is derived on the idea of not being lonely, even the abstractly awkward artists who obtains physical loneliness most of his life, pulling out brilliant pieces of art being in that state... Yeah, well, I think that in all honesty connection is what we are all longing for. To not be "lonely." I know I am not into rejection. In fact I reject rejection. How do we overcome this? When our appreciation is for this? I have no idea. Maybe we never do. Maybe we keep repeating the grueling steps of trying to hold this non loneliness in our lives. Maybe we spend most of our lives in a lonely state while trying to find a solution to our loneliness... Maybe it's the loneliness that ultimately keeps us company. Maybe we accept that and maybe that is our lives. I really have no idea. This is all just my stages of thought...

I am so tired. But hey it's Friday midnight. Of corse I am tired. Thursdays are insane for me! Right now I am watching celeberty rehab... After my night class I was so inspired to watch it. My teacher has this whole theory on it. He says when you watch tv you are bored... The people on the tv show are bored. So basically you are watching bored people on tv while you are bored! Funny concept, but true. Anyway, nothing too good or worth noting so im out.

Just bought

Passionate Minds x David Bodanis

It's about Emilie du Chatelet and Voltiare and their great love affair at the heart of the Enlightenment.

I am very excited about it. I have just read the author's notes about it so far., but I looking to dive into it tonight. Ahh great love stories makes me melt!

Even though 18th century France was of many hard times sometimes I wish I could step back into that era. My depth and mind feel limited in today's world. The exploration of my being is made to be fantasy like in today's world. I am a dreamer, but if I resided with dreamers my ideas wouldn't seem so unrealstic to others. (sigh)

"If you are afraid of something, measure it, and you will realize it is a mere trifle.
I have no certainties, at most probabilities."

-Renato Caccioppoli

It all ends one way or an other.

Every relationship ends. There are many ways in which it can... It can be purely circumstantial, it can be because one or both of the people involved did something that was too great to overcome and sometimes it can even be because someone dies... Either way every relationship ends.

In my opinion, truly believing what I just said, if every relationship ends why waste time on worrying about "will it end?" Worrying doesn't change circumstances. Worrying just makes you feel bad. I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring, but I have control over what I am doing in the present. I want to live. I do not live for yesterday or for tomorrow. I live for today. If I tried to reside in yesterday or make all my decisions of today based on tomorrow when I don't even know what tomorrow will bring than I wouldn't be living at all. I'd be merely floating around in a limbo state of mind. I'd be stuck.

In certain moments I wish I could stick him in my head to fully grasp my ideas. So he may truly understand my reasoning. I want this under the assumption if he really understands he would feel the same way too. It is so hard for me to watch someone I care so much about willingly give up something they wanted because they are overwhelmed with fear; fear of hurting mainly.

We will not get anything we want if we do not peruse it with full speed. It makes me mad also. I am mad at the person who tainted their ideas and the person who crumbled their trust and ability to see clearly with their heart. Because of this person I am fighting a battle. A battle that I am not sure I will ever win, but something in me won't let go. I can't let go.

I woke up last night crying. My heart was aching. I did not stop crying until I fell asleep again. Now that I know the density of substance this person has on my heart I will never go back to a weakened version of this. I will never settle, even out of comfort. Things are looking dim right now, but my faith keeps me going. It is all I have hold on and even so my grip is being held with the tips of my fingers.

I am a fighter. I will fight for the both of us if you need me to. But don’t expect me to give up. I may be tired, but I will not give in. I can only hope I am not shut out. This has been the greatest test of patience I have ever endured. But I am here… Waiting.