...

This scares me. And yet again I feel like I've been in this movie before. Today I was completely silent in my pain. That's the best I could do. Honestly, there wasn't much of anything else I could do. You gave me no other options. This time it was the worst though. I felt like I couldn't reach you. It was as if you wouldn't even allow me to. I am listening to your songs... our songs... the ones you made me... This is the closest I feel that I could possibly get to your heart right now. I handled things predictably. I filled all my basic needs, in many ways today... just to survive. I don't like living in this survival mode. I made light of things when you called. I needed to in order to preserve that of my heart. If only you would have called after you told me you needed to take a step back... You know when my heart sank into my stomach and the nausea swept through my body. Then you said you wanted me in your life. And a little glimpse of hope crept back into me. It's not easy for me to be so far from you either, but I want you in my life. Hard or not, you make my soul smile. You make my heart happy. If you just disappear, knowing there's a you out there for me, no one else would or could ever satisfy. A part of me wishes I didn't know. I'd rather almost be searching for my whole life and feel longing... Instead my heart hurts. I miss you like you're dead. I want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets. I am supposed to be up getting ready for work in two and a half hours and my head still hasn't hit the pillow. I don't like the way I see things. I can't go back to dreaming in black and white. I refuse! God this hurts. Do you hear me? I am hurting. My insides are weeping. I do not see the point of this heartbreak. I do not see the point of any of it.