Nights are the hardest. Mornings used to be pretty hard too. Now I am used to waking up with out a good morning from you. But the nights are what kill me. I can't sleep. You monopolize my thoughts. Even if I am having a good day I want to call you at night and tell you all about it and I can't and then I get sad. And when my days are tough I want to call you too because you always knew how to make me feel better. It's been three weeks. I find myself listening to messages you left me just so I can hear your voice. From time to time I read e-mails you sent me and I look at your picture almost daily. I know in time it won't hurt as much. I just want this feeling to go away though. It hurts too bad. My heart aches. I feel lost and incomplete. I wonder what you're doing. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and I wondered if you were awake like before when you'd wake up and I'd wake up at the same time, so far away from each other as if we were connected. I wondered if you were awake last night. I wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you even care. I used to know exactly how you felt. I could read you pretty well, it used to scare you how well in fact. But now I might as well be a stranger. This is hard. I feel like you died. I feel like my best friend died. I don't talk about you that much anymore. I keep it all inside. And then, on nights like these, it all comes out. I silently weep in my room, in the dark. I don't even want to lay in my bed. It makes me think of the nights I'd lay in my bed talking to you, for hours at a time. I don't even want to get close to anyone. I don't want to meet anyone new. No one will be you. I just don't want it. Each day has been a step towards feeling better, today I feel like I took 10 steps back. I pray to God desperately. but who am I to even ask anything of God? This is hard.

Why as humans are we intrigued by pain? When we get a bruise we touch it to see how it feels knowing it hurts. When we are little and have a lose tooth we wiggle it around and try to get it to come out, even if it isn't ready, and this hurts, but we do it anyway. Why as adults do we remind ourselves of things we've lost by reminiscing knowing it hurts when we remind ourselves? I have no idea why we do this. I need to stop doing this to myself. I know it hurts why do I need to remind myself? This is brutal.

The Only Thing That Met Me Halfway Was Disappointment.

Knowing how I felt, knowing the battle I face everyday to abide by your rules and appease you, must mean I love you in some sort of way.

Your idea of love is the sort of thing you do after a cheap date.

A hug here and a kiss there.

I could make it look right and feel right and manipulate it right.

I used to play you like a puppet.

I got tired of games though… Guess you could say I sort of got attached.

Playing on the same level was a lot harder, it meant I was giving over control… of at least part of my feelings.

I never liked being vulnerable. I don’t play humiliation that well either.

As soon as I gave in was just as soon as you took over.

You’re new sense of control was over powering to you.

Never having felt this way you took it for all it was worth and now I was playing the pitiful one.

It is always about some sort of game with you.

When the equation just meant the two of us things were a lot easier… I guess I got more involved when the equation got changed…
Our son came into this world.

My whole idea on relationships changed; My needs and wants, they were all modified.

Things were different then, they are different now.

As I grew, and I learned and accepted that myself was one thing that wouldn’t be first for a long time…

I became a mother.

The family concept shifted my needs. This process all started to happen for me.

I don’t think the process ever begun with you.

What you need is not what I need, I need things before that.

My needs involve this family and making this unit work, the duo of us has to work after the family part works.

The love of each other is ultimately the love of the family and when the family works we will work, everything can fall into place.
But you have things backwards.

You think you need to have this and that before you can act in the way your family needs you to act.

You put the needs of yourself before the needs of your children, your partner, and when things don’t work for you first you screw the needs of everyone else.

Loveless, how can anything be loving without you completely there…

I can’t trust you, I can’t count on you, I can’t feel safe by you.

Your actions are not fair to me… Imprisoned as I am by you and I don’t even get a thanks.

Everything is over looked, yet any little task you do has to be over appreciated or you’ll feel “shot down” and will do even less.
Well, try doing and doing and getting nothing and still doing!

You couldn’t handle it.

It wouldn’t work for you.

I make it work for me though, because I need it to work for you, for the kids, for our little unit.

Where am I, worrying about you after I made you dinner and baked you a cake? It’s your favorite kind of cake too.

Where are you? Drunk with people? Playing music, with other people?

You won’t even tell me everything!

You’re one paycheck away from broke, you have one kid here and one on the way.

Yet you have no cares, your actions care for no one…

Progression is key.
For the first time in two weeks I was able to listen to old music and not feel sad.
It made me smile in fact.
There's hope!
So yes, looking back I miss it... I miss him and everything he entailed.
But you know what?
I'm going to be OK!
I think that life is a series of moments...
I am grateful for the moments I was able to have with him, share with him...
I'm not sure if my soul will ever connect to anyone else's the way it did to his, but all I can do at this point is move forward.
So I am moving forward.
Does this mean moving on?
Unfortunately, for me anyway, my heart says no...
But the good news is I am better than I was two weeks ago.
Time cushions the wounds.

Curiousity

“What, courage man! what though care killed a cat, thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.”
"Helter skelter, hang sorrow, care will kill a cat, up-tails all, and a pox on the hangman."
"Care killed the Cat. It is said that 'a cat has nine lives,' yet care would wear them all out."

Moral of the story... If I were the cat.. I'd pretty much be dead right now.

Tuesday Morning

Best Diet... Heartbreak Hotel...

Pretty epic.

A pound a day... not bad... California sort of just does that to me.

My dude friend says we have two options... conquer it or get over it...

So pretty much, unless something happens to make me hold on by the end of the week,

I am doing just that...

getting over it....

The end!