“Let me listen to me and not to them.”

- Gertrude Stein

Progression is key.
For the first time in two weeks I was able to listen to old music and not feel sad.
It made me smile in fact.
There's hope!
So yes, looking back I miss it... I miss him and everything he entailed.
But you know what?
I'm going to be OK!
I think that life is a series of moments...
I am grateful for the moments I was able to have with him, share with him...
I'm not sure if my soul will ever connect to anyone else's the way it did to his, but all I can do at this point is move forward.
So I am moving forward.
Does this mean moving on?
Unfortunately, for me anyway, my heart says no...
But the good news is I am better than I was two weeks ago.
Time cushions the wounds.

It all ends one way or an other.

Every relationship ends. There are many ways in which it can... It can be purely circumstantial, it can be because one or both of the people involved did something that was too great to overcome and sometimes it can even be because someone dies... Either way every relationship ends.

In my opinion, truly believing what I just said, if every relationship ends why waste time on worrying about "will it end?" Worrying doesn't change circumstances. Worrying just makes you feel bad. I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring, but I have control over what I am doing in the present. I want to live. I do not live for yesterday or for tomorrow. I live for today. If I tried to reside in yesterday or make all my decisions of today based on tomorrow when I don't even know what tomorrow will bring than I wouldn't be living at all. I'd be merely floating around in a limbo state of mind. I'd be stuck.

In certain moments I wish I could stick him in my head to fully grasp my ideas. So he may truly understand my reasoning. I want this under the assumption if he really understands he would feel the same way too. It is so hard for me to watch someone I care so much about willingly give up something they wanted because they are overwhelmed with fear; fear of hurting mainly.

We will not get anything we want if we do not peruse it with full speed. It makes me mad also. I am mad at the person who tainted their ideas and the person who crumbled their trust and ability to see clearly with their heart. Because of this person I am fighting a battle. A battle that I am not sure I will ever win, but something in me won't let go. I can't let go.

I woke up last night crying. My heart was aching. I did not stop crying until I fell asleep again. Now that I know the density of substance this person has on my heart I will never go back to a weakened version of this. I will never settle, even out of comfort. Things are looking dim right now, but my faith keeps me going. It is all I have hold on and even so my grip is being held with the tips of my fingers.

I am a fighter. I will fight for the both of us if you need me to. But don’t expect me to give up. I may be tired, but I will not give in. I can only hope I am not shut out. This has been the greatest test of patience I have ever endured. But I am here… Waiting.