half way point

We've reached the half way point of this year and I can hardly believe it. Was it really six months ago that my grandma passed? And has it really been six months since my heart first felt captivated by him? It all didn't work out how we had hoped and wanted, but even so, I haven't stopped missing her or him. Through distance, other relationships, anger, pain, humiliation... My heart deeply aches for him still. I know that things go wrong so that I can appreciate them when they are right and I also know that good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. I'm not sure how ready I am for him, but I am ready for things to start falling together...

Here we go again.

There he is. Like a scene from a movie - there he is. Their eyes connect and the time lapse seems to fade, along with the bitterness that had temporarily replaced the captivation she had felt for him. Through out the night she maintained distance, although every once in a while, she'd catch him staring. Exhaling out the past and inhaling the presence, all she could think was... Here we go again.

Dear Nothing

I dial your number... even though I know it's gone. And I send you these messages, unto cyber nothing, knowing you'll never see them. The worst of all is the old voicemails, from you, that I listen to... knowing you aren't a part of my life anymore. I know if I could talk to you I'd reach you, but I think you were afraid of that. I miss you. I miss us.

Yours
<3

It all ends one way or an other.

Every relationship ends. There are many ways in which it can... It can be purely circumstantial, it can be because one or both of the people involved did something that was too great to overcome and sometimes it can even be because someone dies... Either way every relationship ends.

In my opinion, truly believing what I just said, if every relationship ends why waste time on worrying about "will it end?" Worrying doesn't change circumstances. Worrying just makes you feel bad. I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring, but I have control over what I am doing in the present. I want to live. I do not live for yesterday or for tomorrow. I live for today. If I tried to reside in yesterday or make all my decisions of today based on tomorrow when I don't even know what tomorrow will bring than I wouldn't be living at all. I'd be merely floating around in a limbo state of mind. I'd be stuck.

In certain moments I wish I could stick him in my head to fully grasp my ideas. So he may truly understand my reasoning. I want this under the assumption if he really understands he would feel the same way too. It is so hard for me to watch someone I care so much about willingly give up something they wanted because they are overwhelmed with fear; fear of hurting mainly.

We will not get anything we want if we do not peruse it with full speed. It makes me mad also. I am mad at the person who tainted their ideas and the person who crumbled their trust and ability to see clearly with their heart. Because of this person I am fighting a battle. A battle that I am not sure I will ever win, but something in me won't let go. I can't let go.

I woke up last night crying. My heart was aching. I did not stop crying until I fell asleep again. Now that I know the density of substance this person has on my heart I will never go back to a weakened version of this. I will never settle, even out of comfort. Things are looking dim right now, but my faith keeps me going. It is all I have hold on and even so my grip is being held with the tips of my fingers.

I am a fighter. I will fight for the both of us if you need me to. But don’t expect me to give up. I may be tired, but I will not give in. I can only hope I am not shut out. This has been the greatest test of patience I have ever endured. But I am here… Waiting.