Diluted pain

I was reading an old entry I wrote in my live journal... Sometimes over time we forget why we made choices we made and we begin to miss people. Somehow the hurt they caused finds a way of becoming diluted... When I read the sort of hurt he has caused me and I remember how it really felt and think of who I was and hate it... It's a realistic reminder of what I left and what i never want to be again...

Tuesday, July 13th, 2004

Subject: Your actions care for no one at all. Time: 12:06 pm.

A loveless sort of affection you long for, and an even colder one you give. Wanting all you want and giving nothing in return. I made you dinner and baked you a cake, your favorite kind. I waited on the couch counting every minute down from the time you said you were going to be home to every minute after. Spending your time in leisure with pills and escapes. Dead to the pain. Life never meant much to you anyway. Vulnerability only means humility, you have made me the most humiliated person ever."

empty words.

The events that follow the death of a loved one are usually filled with empty words... In some weird way I found comfort in the empty words that trickled in my ear today, the repetitive words that had the best intentions behind them...

Today I found myself feeling as if I needed to do something, but I had no idea what it was I needed to do. So I spent most of today sleeping...

Usually, when somethings got to give I sleep and usually after I wake up I feel better. Today when I woke up I was exhausted. And all I could feel was nothing. Completely numbed by the denial I faced. The loss I faced.

I had brief moments of grief... It was when I allowed my mind to wander. The thought of never hearing her voice again, the idea that my children's memory of her will fade with time, the realization she will never see me be anything more than I am right now because she will be gone. This is the hard part and the selfish part of losing someone you care about. Today I am being completely selfish, and you know what... That's OK.

The best thing we can do to honor the memory of someone we loved is live our lives with stamina and never stop until we are dirt in the ground. I will continue to live a fulfilled life striving for impact and purpose. My purpose being in God's plan for my life. In doing this I pray that time will heal my wounds and living will honor the lives of those who've passed.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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I am sure some may have heard the second part of these verses. They are well known when referencing love in the bible, but no matter how repetitive it may sound, it is so true. I pray for this one day.

Feels good.

It feels so good to be home, in my room, surrounded by the things I love and find comfort in. I've been writing and listening to music for over two hours now. I wasn't sure if I would be able to call this place home again... I was only gone for two nights and three days, but two nights and three days can seem like an eternity if you are faced with the unknown.

Ethan and Juliana were accounted for over the weekend so I did not have that added stress. I drifted around during the daytime, worked a little and stayed at a friend's at night.

I am glad I stayed with him because his love for music is as great as mine and it was nice to be around it... He has good taste in movies which can be a pretty good distraction and I needed a healthy one. I got to read some of the things he wrote which is rad because I love to connect to people through writing, since writing is after all my favorite past time. He taught me a little on guitar, which makes me happy. And, he even let me ask questions during a movie we watched. All in all the company was good.

Life definitely throws curve balls. It's how you pull yourself out of the rain that makes the difference of how great you let the bad effect you. My friends were out Friday and Saturday night partying. I could have been with them... I got a late night text from someone I could have responded to, but all in all I knew I needed to keep a clear and steady mind. My focus needed to be pulling myself out of the rut I was in.

So I am home, I am safe and I am grateful.

Incredible Existence

Sunsets have come and gone
Yet I still see your eyes if I close mine tightly enough
The gleaming smile they project escape into my chest
My lungs fill up with you and still, I just smile
I haven't met a conversation I liked better than yours
The passion had to end passionately, for us there was no other way
I had to be broken before I could let go and well…
You knew that about me
With a fingertip grip I knew this moment would come
We were of the night, making the greatest escape
Stimulating emotions in me that had been consistently dormant
Our story is just bitter sweet
Amazing in existence

Neverless tapered, astringent end

Nightingale

The possibility is what kills me

I can't let go alone and letting go together would devour me

I'm dying to be alive

Lying next to your warmth I can hear the soothing sound of your voice

Each time we're together I ease into you a little more

For the first time, I didn't dance around the questions

I try to live in that moment everyday

When I close my eyes I see your eyes

When my body hits the mattress I envision the nights spent together

And as we descend into the soft bed sheets,

Being directed by feeling and thought alone,

I wonder if this will be the last time I will be here with you this way again

The sliver of hope numbs me through my torture

Silent conversations with myself

You get me through all the yesterdays

We become electric in the darkness

I can't stop and you wont stop

We need to need this for the both of us

With everyone telling me what to do and no one to love me

I escape into the thought of you

A functioning sleepless void

Never knowing what might happen and never knowing when it will end

Oh Nightingale the morning crept up too soon

By Krystle Lynn

Dusty Old Heart

This was the second poem of mine to get published. I wrote this about an old love interest who I had kept in touch with over the years. Every once in a while I'll get a letter from him, it makes me happy to hear how well he is doing. He showed me what is was to be comfortable in your own skin. I will always be thankful to him for that and many other things unspoken of...

There I stand enthralled in your essence
Pasted in your timing
Allowing myself the unveiled caution of sensitivity
You left me with only a memory of your voice
Once strong and filling only now faint and vague
As the days go I picture your smile and every curve of your lip
Weeks leading into months and even years fade along
I only remember the feeling it once gave
I can hardly breathe, this smothering reality has taken it's toll
Letters a distant fluency
The feeling captivating heart covered in dust
Swept away by silence now

by Krystle Lynn