Allen Ginsberg

“It isn't enough for your heart to break because everybody's heart is broken now.”

Our feelings have value and deserve to be heard... Doesn't mean it's them that is going to hear them.

I'm angry.
Nothing I say will sound poetic either.
I need to learn to let go, when I'm in it... Not after its manipulated me.
Let go to things before they're diluted.
I could have had a lot of greats... But I ruin that
I hold on until its smothered and dead.
I'm annoyed.
This is when I want to hibernate.
Lets count 1,2,3,4,5 - 6 months since the last time...
Do I sense a pattern?
What the fuck is happening here?
Will I be brought back to this mid December. Probably.
I need a change. I want a change.
I'm pathetic.
Pathetically accepting the "okay"
Dammit, it's not okay!
I'm not okay and I fear there is no turning back.
I'm that girl.
The one I laugh at.
Cry for.
Pity, even.
Yes, I have made myself that girl.
I'm out.

Working it out

I am in the process of independence. And it's about to come through in full effect on the 25th. Freedom here I come!

“Let me listen to me and not to them.”

- Gertrude Stein

half way point

We've reached the half way point of this year and I can hardly believe it. Was it really six months ago that my grandma passed? And has it really been six months since my heart first felt captivated by him? It all didn't work out how we had hoped and wanted, but even so, I haven't stopped missing her or him. Through distance, other relationships, anger, pain, humiliation... My heart deeply aches for him still. I know that things go wrong so that I can appreciate them when they are right and I also know that good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. I'm not sure how ready I am for him, but I am ready for things to start falling together...

Here we go again.

There he is. Like a scene from a movie - there he is. Their eyes connect and the time lapse seems to fade, along with the bitterness that had temporarily replaced the captivation she had felt for him. Through out the night she maintained distance, although every once in a while, she'd catch him staring. Exhaling out the past and inhaling the presence, all she could think was... Here we go again.

Full Circle

I'm incredibly grateful for my existence. I feel like such a hippie about life right now. I know not everyone sees through "rose colored glasses" like I do, but even that indifference makes life more beautiful to me. "We" will always see by our own definition and our interpretations are strictly based off of our own perceptions. It can all be rough and tumble, but when it's lovely the rough and tumble falls from the limelight. This is exactly how I find my way back to myself. And you know what? Myself isn't that bad of a place.

Dear Nothing

I dial your number... even though I know it's gone. And I send you these messages, unto cyber nothing, knowing you'll never see them. The worst of all is the old voicemails, from you, that I listen to... knowing you aren't a part of my life anymore. I know if I could talk to you I'd reach you, but I think you were afraid of that. I miss you. I miss us.

Yours
<3

I'll admit it

I am starting a new section of my blog, called "I'll admit it." At least weekly I will post a normally disclosed thought of mine for everyone to see. This may be my worst idea ever, but it on the chance it's not, I'm going to do it. I firmly believe that true beauty lies within the imperfections.

So, here's my first go at it...

I'll admit it - I listen to voicemails, that I can not delete, from people who are not even in my life anymore.

just call me trouble

It's as if your dreams have slipped through the barrier that normally keeps them out of your awareness during the day. It's a challenge to discern real life from fantasy now, which makes it hard for you to make a decision. You could get into trouble today because things tend to look better than they actually are. Stop for a reality check before you make any significant moves.

I'm all moves and full of trouble... super calculated. I think I've already gotten into trouble once today... oh no!

This was killing me

I'm getting sick again. I feel it. My insides hurt, my body aches, I have no energy... And most of all I can't digest properly. FUCK! If I am supposed to go I want God to just take me now. I do not want to be dragged through this, again. I can't. This is insane. I am so upset nothing makes sense, including my thoughts. If anyone out there is reading this, sorry for that. I'm not sure anyone even looks at this. It's fine by me if not. I need a vice, but all I want to do is stay inside, listen to music, read, write... That's it. I need to keep human interaction minimal. What's the point of making a connection just to inevitably say goodbye? Whether I die in a year or fifty it all ends either way. Right now my feelings could be completely erotic, but I don't care. I feel like being extremely reactive, screaming, going out and acting repulsive... I want to do something, but I'm not going to. I'm twenty three years old. I'm too young to die. The curtains can't close... We're not even in intermission yet... This cannot be the final act.

Today in Rock & Roll History...

Pretty cool web link-
http://www.rockhall.com/notes/today-in-rock/

The Only Color She Paints is Red

To the dynamo of fillip,
Through gurgling gust,
By monstrous mayhem,
Thrusting pontificated rationale,
Mustering meaning through deadened pupils,
And over exposed flesh,
Stroking the ingenious of what remains.
Plunging towards purpose.
Driven by unfailing hope…
Unseen and fondled by sound,
Attached to solace,
Coupled in codependency,
Know your role!
Know your role!
Set forth by unwavering determination,
Self-deteriorating fluctuating intention,
Incarnated again and again.
Rehabilitated in each heartache
Made new by death,
Mentally anguished, distraught, sullen.
Morosely proceeding
Flapping at him at her at you and at me
Innovative mind, gone solo
Unstirred to action or feeling
Fleeting transitory trends
Sardonically shouting of "sissy" and "coward"
Amused by the self loathing
Displayed and broadcasted for countless
Forgeries, fallacies
It's all the same!
All the same!
Contemptuous she may
Exultant she might
Virtues vocally abused
Taunted by many, lost to many.

Each stroke has significance,
Krystle

Nights are the hardest. Mornings used to be pretty hard too. Now I am used to waking up with out a good morning from you. But the nights are what kill me. I can't sleep. You monopolize my thoughts. Even if I am having a good day I want to call you at night and tell you all about it and I can't and then I get sad. And when my days are tough I want to call you too because you always knew how to make me feel better. It's been three weeks. I find myself listening to messages you left me just so I can hear your voice. From time to time I read e-mails you sent me and I look at your picture almost daily. I know in time it won't hurt as much. I just want this feeling to go away though. It hurts too bad. My heart aches. I feel lost and incomplete. I wonder what you're doing. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and I wondered if you were awake like before when you'd wake up and I'd wake up at the same time, so far away from each other as if we were connected. I wondered if you were awake last night. I wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you even care. I used to know exactly how you felt. I could read you pretty well, it used to scare you how well in fact. But now I might as well be a stranger. This is hard. I feel like you died. I feel like my best friend died. I don't talk about you that much anymore. I keep it all inside. And then, on nights like these, it all comes out. I silently weep in my room, in the dark. I don't even want to lay in my bed. It makes me think of the nights I'd lay in my bed talking to you, for hours at a time. I don't even want to get close to anyone. I don't want to meet anyone new. No one will be you. I just don't want it. Each day has been a step towards feeling better, today I feel like I took 10 steps back. I pray to God desperately. but who am I to even ask anything of God? This is hard.

Why as humans are we intrigued by pain? When we get a bruise we touch it to see how it feels knowing it hurts. When we are little and have a lose tooth we wiggle it around and try to get it to come out, even if it isn't ready, and this hurts, but we do it anyway. Why as adults do we remind ourselves of things we've lost by reminiscing knowing it hurts when we remind ourselves? I have no idea why we do this. I need to stop doing this to myself. I know it hurts why do I need to remind myself? This is brutal.

The Only Thing That Met Me Halfway Was Disappointment.

Knowing how I felt, knowing the battle I face everyday to abide by your rules and appease you, must mean I love you in some sort of way.

Your idea of love is the sort of thing you do after a cheap date.

A hug here and a kiss there.

I could make it look right and feel right and manipulate it right.

I used to play you like a puppet.

I got tired of games though… Guess you could say I sort of got attached.

Playing on the same level was a lot harder, it meant I was giving over control… of at least part of my feelings.

I never liked being vulnerable. I don’t play humiliation that well either.

As soon as I gave in was just as soon as you took over.

You’re new sense of control was over powering to you.

Never having felt this way you took it for all it was worth and now I was playing the pitiful one.

It is always about some sort of game with you.

When the equation just meant the two of us things were a lot easier… I guess I got more involved when the equation got changed…
Our son came into this world.

My whole idea on relationships changed; My needs and wants, they were all modified.

Things were different then, they are different now.

As I grew, and I learned and accepted that myself was one thing that wouldn’t be first for a long time…

I became a mother.

The family concept shifted my needs. This process all started to happen for me.

I don’t think the process ever begun with you.

What you need is not what I need, I need things before that.

My needs involve this family and making this unit work, the duo of us has to work after the family part works.

The love of each other is ultimately the love of the family and when the family works we will work, everything can fall into place.
But you have things backwards.

You think you need to have this and that before you can act in the way your family needs you to act.

You put the needs of yourself before the needs of your children, your partner, and when things don’t work for you first you screw the needs of everyone else.

Loveless, how can anything be loving without you completely there…

I can’t trust you, I can’t count on you, I can’t feel safe by you.

Your actions are not fair to me… Imprisoned as I am by you and I don’t even get a thanks.

Everything is over looked, yet any little task you do has to be over appreciated or you’ll feel “shot down” and will do even less.
Well, try doing and doing and getting nothing and still doing!

You couldn’t handle it.

It wouldn’t work for you.

I make it work for me though, because I need it to work for you, for the kids, for our little unit.

Where am I, worrying about you after I made you dinner and baked you a cake? It’s your favorite kind of cake too.

Where are you? Drunk with people? Playing music, with other people?

You won’t even tell me everything!

You’re one paycheck away from broke, you have one kid here and one on the way.

Yet you have no cares, your actions care for no one…

Progression is key.
For the first time in two weeks I was able to listen to old music and not feel sad.
It made me smile in fact.
There's hope!
So yes, looking back I miss it... I miss him and everything he entailed.
But you know what?
I'm going to be OK!
I think that life is a series of moments...
I am grateful for the moments I was able to have with him, share with him...
I'm not sure if my soul will ever connect to anyone else's the way it did to his, but all I can do at this point is move forward.
So I am moving forward.
Does this mean moving on?
Unfortunately, for me anyway, my heart says no...
But the good news is I am better than I was two weeks ago.
Time cushions the wounds.

Curiousity

“What, courage man! what though care killed a cat, thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.”
"Helter skelter, hang sorrow, care will kill a cat, up-tails all, and a pox on the hangman."
"Care killed the Cat. It is said that 'a cat has nine lives,' yet care would wear them all out."

Moral of the story... If I were the cat.. I'd pretty much be dead right now.

Tuesday Morning

Best Diet... Heartbreak Hotel...

Pretty epic.

A pound a day... not bad... California sort of just does that to me.

My dude friend says we have two options... conquer it or get over it...

So pretty much, unless something happens to make me hold on by the end of the week,

I am doing just that...

getting over it....

The end!

HONESTLY?

She sat there gazing out the window contemplating her life and existence. Lost in translation, the words fighting to escape... She was just mute. In all her aching, her heart's voice was deadened by her fear of rejection. Could she ever really be happy? Her ideas and notions about "it all" may just be that... a thought captured in her mind engraved with hopes. And at that moment she realized that. Sad and somber, reality hit her like a ton of bricks. Could anyone get it fully? She was into substance and full circle moments. Diluted was not even in her capacity anymore. Anything that looked similar to mediocre was just not OK. Yikes! What was she doing? She had no idea. Really? Hmm...

Soothing Riddle Circulating Light

Slicing slitting slithering seethe

Raunchy roaring reeling wrath

Creeping crawling critical cat

Lusting Luscious Luminous Leech

wrote that like 5 or 6 years ago. Had to bring it back

Being in love... What is that anyway? Do we all even reach that? Can we reach that? Or do our natural defenses protect us as soon as the caution flags spring up just as soon as the situation reaches risky status... or the "danger zone"...

It's funny to me that we dive into it knowing we are entering that zone and feel a little uncomfortable, but don't mind it too much as long as the risk has a safety net... Which would ultimately be what we originally set out for.

Sometimes I feel brave and then I feel timid and nervous. When I am brave I don't think I am risking possibly enough. Or something that I hold at a great value. Maybe what I feel should be valued or appreciated I really do not value or appreciate at all... Like money. I need it, I want it, I can not function with out it, but do I really value it like the value I place on it? Probably not when I buy a clutch when I need gas.

What am I saying? Am I just babbling? Sort of... But I know my ideas and thoughts. It all makes sense to me. Honestly, I have been in situations and seen people in situations over the past few months and you know what I think everyone values or has appreciation for mostly? Rejection. So what does this mean? Are we a society that is derived on the idea of not being lonely, even the abstractly awkward artists who obtains physical loneliness most of his life, pulling out brilliant pieces of art being in that state... Yeah, well, I think that in all honesty connection is what we are all longing for. To not be "lonely." I know I am not into rejection. In fact I reject rejection. How do we overcome this? When our appreciation is for this? I have no idea. Maybe we never do. Maybe we keep repeating the grueling steps of trying to hold this non loneliness in our lives. Maybe we spend most of our lives in a lonely state while trying to find a solution to our loneliness... Maybe it's the loneliness that ultimately keeps us company. Maybe we accept that and maybe that is our lives. I really have no idea. This is all just my stages of thought...

I am so tired. But hey it's Friday midnight. Of corse I am tired. Thursdays are insane for me! Right now I am watching celeberty rehab... After my night class I was so inspired to watch it. My teacher has this whole theory on it. He says when you watch tv you are bored... The people on the tv show are bored. So basically you are watching bored people on tv while you are bored! Funny concept, but true. Anyway, nothing too good or worth noting so im out.

Just bought

Passionate Minds x David Bodanis

It's about Emilie du Chatelet and Voltiare and their great love affair at the heart of the Enlightenment.

I am very excited about it. I have just read the author's notes about it so far., but I looking to dive into it tonight. Ahh great love stories makes me melt!

Even though 18th century France was of many hard times sometimes I wish I could step back into that era. My depth and mind feel limited in today's world. The exploration of my being is made to be fantasy like in today's world. I am a dreamer, but if I resided with dreamers my ideas wouldn't seem so unrealstic to others. (sigh)

"If you are afraid of something, measure it, and you will realize it is a mere trifle.
I have no certainties, at most probabilities."

-Renato Caccioppoli

It all ends one way or an other.

Every relationship ends. There are many ways in which it can... It can be purely circumstantial, it can be because one or both of the people involved did something that was too great to overcome and sometimes it can even be because someone dies... Either way every relationship ends.

In my opinion, truly believing what I just said, if every relationship ends why waste time on worrying about "will it end?" Worrying doesn't change circumstances. Worrying just makes you feel bad. I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring, but I have control over what I am doing in the present. I want to live. I do not live for yesterday or for tomorrow. I live for today. If I tried to reside in yesterday or make all my decisions of today based on tomorrow when I don't even know what tomorrow will bring than I wouldn't be living at all. I'd be merely floating around in a limbo state of mind. I'd be stuck.

In certain moments I wish I could stick him in my head to fully grasp my ideas. So he may truly understand my reasoning. I want this under the assumption if he really understands he would feel the same way too. It is so hard for me to watch someone I care so much about willingly give up something they wanted because they are overwhelmed with fear; fear of hurting mainly.

We will not get anything we want if we do not peruse it with full speed. It makes me mad also. I am mad at the person who tainted their ideas and the person who crumbled their trust and ability to see clearly with their heart. Because of this person I am fighting a battle. A battle that I am not sure I will ever win, but something in me won't let go. I can't let go.

I woke up last night crying. My heart was aching. I did not stop crying until I fell asleep again. Now that I know the density of substance this person has on my heart I will never go back to a weakened version of this. I will never settle, even out of comfort. Things are looking dim right now, but my faith keeps me going. It is all I have hold on and even so my grip is being held with the tips of my fingers.

I am a fighter. I will fight for the both of us if you need me to. But don’t expect me to give up. I may be tired, but I will not give in. I can only hope I am not shut out. This has been the greatest test of patience I have ever endured. But I am here… Waiting.

"That dark place"

"I have found someone to calm the waters of the storm."

I guess the dark place is easier for you...

baby it's fact

Song Name: Baby, It's Fact
Artist Name: Hellogoodbye
Album: Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs!
Songwriter: Forrest Kline
Release Date: 2006.08.08
Label: Epic







"Baby, It's Fact"
Just in case their wondering
They've got us pinned terribly
They don't believe our love is real
Cause they don't know how real love feels
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
Oh it must be true
And They'll believe us to soon
Baby, it's fact
That our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
They may say some awful things
But there's no point in listening
Your words are the only words
That I believe in afterwards.
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
Oh it must be true
And They'll believe us to soon
Baby, it's fact
That our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
It's true
Oh oh oh
It's true
Oh oh oh
It's true
Oh oh oh
It's true
Whoa oh oh
Baby, it's fact
That our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
That our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
OhhhBaby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
OhhhBaby, it's fact
Our love
Our love is true

Fear

"A man who has been in danger,When he comes out of it forgets his fears,And sometimes he forgets his promises."
-- Euripides - Iphigenia in Tauris (414-12 BC)"

He either fears his fate too much,Or his deserts are small,That puts it not unto the touchTo win or lose it all"
-- James Graham - Marquis of Montrose

What are fears but voices airy?
Whispering harm where harm is not.
And deluding the unwary
Till the fatal bolt is shot!"
-- Wordsworth

Don't do me any favors.

I am almost speechless. I have a million emotions floating around inside of me, but I do not have words to properly define them... All I know is it hurts.

Cemetery Dawns

Oh cemetery dawns, like crashing lushes

Fluttering lungs and crimson tides

Deadening air to the rising dew

Of seeping crevices through numbing mutters

Sloth and Slew

With fallacies forsaken

Ejecting dancing discos to the glacial tombs

Photo Credit Nigma Astralis "para umbra"

Cling Film?

http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm

Check out this website.

And btw if you feel inspired they do take submissions!

This is how I wake up now. bullshit

Really, all my attempts have been short lived. I find myself reverting back into the void where I used to reside. Everything is dull. I'm cynical at best. I'm mad; at myself for even allowing someone to see me. Wasted breaths, waster feelings, wasted conversations... It all really is meaningless. I had a dream last night. I always turn to him. So, here I go again living life in survival, from one day to the next... Good luck pulling me out of this. Good luck extracting anything pure or honest out of me. Right now, I am just over it.
life is pretty much over rated...

...

This scares me. And yet again I feel like I've been in this movie before. Today I was completely silent in my pain. That's the best I could do. Honestly, there wasn't much of anything else I could do. You gave me no other options. This time it was the worst though. I felt like I couldn't reach you. It was as if you wouldn't even allow me to. I am listening to your songs... our songs... the ones you made me... This is the closest I feel that I could possibly get to your heart right now. I handled things predictably. I filled all my basic needs, in many ways today... just to survive. I don't like living in this survival mode. I made light of things when you called. I needed to in order to preserve that of my heart. If only you would have called after you told me you needed to take a step back... You know when my heart sank into my stomach and the nausea swept through my body. Then you said you wanted me in your life. And a little glimpse of hope crept back into me. It's not easy for me to be so far from you either, but I want you in my life. Hard or not, you make my soul smile. You make my heart happy. If you just disappear, knowing there's a you out there for me, no one else would or could ever satisfy. A part of me wishes I didn't know. I'd rather almost be searching for my whole life and feel longing... Instead my heart hurts. I miss you like you're dead. I want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets. I am supposed to be up getting ready for work in two and a half hours and my head still hasn't hit the pillow. I don't like the way I see things. I can't go back to dreaming in black and white. I refuse! God this hurts. Do you hear me? I am hurting. My insides are weeping. I do not see the point of this heartbreak. I do not see the point of any of it.

Diluted pain

I was reading an old entry I wrote in my live journal... Sometimes over time we forget why we made choices we made and we begin to miss people. Somehow the hurt they caused finds a way of becoming diluted... When I read the sort of hurt he has caused me and I remember how it really felt and think of who I was and hate it... It's a realistic reminder of what I left and what i never want to be again...

Tuesday, July 13th, 2004

Subject: Your actions care for no one at all. Time: 12:06 pm.

A loveless sort of affection you long for, and an even colder one you give. Wanting all you want and giving nothing in return. I made you dinner and baked you a cake, your favorite kind. I waited on the couch counting every minute down from the time you said you were going to be home to every minute after. Spending your time in leisure with pills and escapes. Dead to the pain. Life never meant much to you anyway. Vulnerability only means humility, you have made me the most humiliated person ever."

empty words.

The events that follow the death of a loved one are usually filled with empty words... In some weird way I found comfort in the empty words that trickled in my ear today, the repetitive words that had the best intentions behind them...

Today I found myself feeling as if I needed to do something, but I had no idea what it was I needed to do. So I spent most of today sleeping...

Usually, when somethings got to give I sleep and usually after I wake up I feel better. Today when I woke up I was exhausted. And all I could feel was nothing. Completely numbed by the denial I faced. The loss I faced.

I had brief moments of grief... It was when I allowed my mind to wander. The thought of never hearing her voice again, the idea that my children's memory of her will fade with time, the realization she will never see me be anything more than I am right now because she will be gone. This is the hard part and the selfish part of losing someone you care about. Today I am being completely selfish, and you know what... That's OK.

The best thing we can do to honor the memory of someone we loved is live our lives with stamina and never stop until we are dirt in the ground. I will continue to live a fulfilled life striving for impact and purpose. My purpose being in God's plan for my life. In doing this I pray that time will heal my wounds and living will honor the lives of those who've passed.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am sure some may have heard the second part of these verses. They are well known when referencing love in the bible, but no matter how repetitive it may sound, it is so true. I pray for this one day.

Feels good.

It feels so good to be home, in my room, surrounded by the things I love and find comfort in. I've been writing and listening to music for over two hours now. I wasn't sure if I would be able to call this place home again... I was only gone for two nights and three days, but two nights and three days can seem like an eternity if you are faced with the unknown.

Ethan and Juliana were accounted for over the weekend so I did not have that added stress. I drifted around during the daytime, worked a little and stayed at a friend's at night.

I am glad I stayed with him because his love for music is as great as mine and it was nice to be around it... He has good taste in movies which can be a pretty good distraction and I needed a healthy one. I got to read some of the things he wrote which is rad because I love to connect to people through writing, since writing is after all my favorite past time. He taught me a little on guitar, which makes me happy. And, he even let me ask questions during a movie we watched. All in all the company was good.

Life definitely throws curve balls. It's how you pull yourself out of the rain that makes the difference of how great you let the bad effect you. My friends were out Friday and Saturday night partying. I could have been with them... I got a late night text from someone I could have responded to, but all in all I knew I needed to keep a clear and steady mind. My focus needed to be pulling myself out of the rut I was in.

So I am home, I am safe and I am grateful.

Incredible Existence

Sunsets have come and gone
Yet I still see your eyes if I close mine tightly enough
The gleaming smile they project escape into my chest
My lungs fill up with you and still, I just smile
I haven't met a conversation I liked better than yours
The passion had to end passionately, for us there was no other way
I had to be broken before I could let go and well…
You knew that about me
With a fingertip grip I knew this moment would come
We were of the night, making the greatest escape
Stimulating emotions in me that had been consistently dormant
Our story is just bitter sweet
Amazing in existence

Neverless tapered, astringent end

Nightingale

The possibility is what kills me

I can't let go alone and letting go together would devour me

I'm dying to be alive

Lying next to your warmth I can hear the soothing sound of your voice

Each time we're together I ease into you a little more

For the first time, I didn't dance around the questions

I try to live in that moment everyday

When I close my eyes I see your eyes

When my body hits the mattress I envision the nights spent together

And as we descend into the soft bed sheets,

Being directed by feeling and thought alone,

I wonder if this will be the last time I will be here with you this way again

The sliver of hope numbs me through my torture

Silent conversations with myself

You get me through all the yesterdays

We become electric in the darkness

I can't stop and you wont stop

We need to need this for the both of us

With everyone telling me what to do and no one to love me

I escape into the thought of you

A functioning sleepless void

Never knowing what might happen and never knowing when it will end

Oh Nightingale the morning crept up too soon

By Krystle Lynn

Dusty Old Heart

This was the second poem of mine to get published. I wrote this about an old love interest who I had kept in touch with over the years. Every once in a while I'll get a letter from him, it makes me happy to hear how well he is doing. He showed me what is was to be comfortable in your own skin. I will always be thankful to him for that and many other things unspoken of...

There I stand enthralled in your essence
Pasted in your timing
Allowing myself the unveiled caution of sensitivity
You left me with only a memory of your voice
Once strong and filling only now faint and vague
As the days go I picture your smile and every curve of your lip
Weeks leading into months and even years fade along
I only remember the feeling it once gave
I can hardly breathe, this smothering reality has taken it's toll
Letters a distant fluency
The feeling captivating heart covered in dust
Swept away by silence now

by Krystle Lynn

The Loneliest girl

I wrote this years ago... It is the first thing of mine to ever get published...

The loneliest girl

Impaled with my own desire.
I'm stalking my ego with my fingertips.
The floor creaks under the weight of lust and illness lights my path.
The walls closing...
Closing tightly around my spirit as a silent whisper plots my demise.
Love devours its young
And solitude walks across my breath and into my soul.

by Krystle Lynn

Hard times for dreamers.

I get two types of responses when I tell people i am going to school for writing...

I get, "That's amazing, you are doing what you want to do!"

and I get...

"Well, what would you do with that? Why don't you go to school for business..."

the encouragement comes from people I don't know, and friends...

the discouragement comes from family, always.

I know my family wants to know I can take care of myself, but honestly I don't see how supporting me following my dreams and being supportive of what I really want in life is so bad. I get more support from strangers...

Empowerment

I am here to be empowered with knowledge. For those who thirst it let it be. Let us not surround ourselves by the weak minded who will keep us down, but let us fuel our minds and climb the ladder. -- ♥me

a love affair

I want a great love affair.
Like Émilie du Châtelet and Voltaire.
They cultivated their minds together.
I don't need a lifetime of romance, but a brief passionate love, even a summer's love is very attractive to me.
Lately I have felt overwhelmed by the knowledge surrounding me.
So many great books, so many great minds.
I thirst for knowledge and the companionship of a great thinker.
I have fallen in love with the idea of this and fallen out of anything indifferent from my being in love with this idea.


photo credit stephen kramer

"The Translator's Preface"

excerpt from
"The Translator's Preface"
by Émilie du Châtelet (1735)

The prejudice that excludes us women so universally from the sciences weighs heavily on me. It has always astonished me that there are great nations whose laws permit us to control their fate, but there is not a single place where we are brought up to think. This is one of the great contradictions of our times.

The theater is the only profession requiring some study and some cultivation of wit in which women are allowed to participate. At the same time, it is a profession that has been declared an improper one.

Just think for a moment. Why is it that for so many centuries not a single good tragedy, fine poem, valued story, beautiful painting, or good book on physics has been produced by the hand of a woman? Why do these creatures--whose understanding appears to be similar in every way to that of men--seem to be held back by an insurmountable force? Let someone give me a reason for it, if they can. I leave it to the naturalists to find a physical reason for it, but until they have found one, women have a right to speak out for their education.

I confess that if I were king, I would conduct the following experiment. I would correct this abuse that has cut short a full half of the human race. I would get women to participate in all the privileges of humanity, especially those of the mind.

It's as though women were born only to flirt, so they are given nothing but that activity to exercise their minds. The new education I propose would do all of humanity a great deal of good. Women would be better off for it, and men would gain a new source of competition.

All too often, the way we currently conduct our daily affairs weakens and narrows women's minds rather than improves them. With men and women as equal partners, such interactions would serve to extend everyone's knowledge.

I'm convinced that most women are either ignorant of their talents, or they cover them up. Everything I've experienced myself confirms this opinion. I've been lucky to know men of letters who have included me in their circle. I saw with extreme astonishment that they held me in high esteem. I then began to believe that I was a thinking creature.

quote

Do not fear death but rather the life unlived.
You do not have to live forever. You just have to live.

-- Author:"Tuck Everlasting" (movie)

no title needed

Last night marked an anniversary of one of the worst days of my life... The ten year anniversary.

I had a weird night. I realize more so tonight that I need to be influenced by my head and not the hopes of my heart.

I also realized that the past is called the past for a reason and it is important that the things of the past stay a thing of the past...

Mistakes made help individuals to grow and to learn... Why would anyone ever bring the mistakes of the past into who they are in the present?

Maybe they didn't get the full lesson the first time? hmm...

Sometimes I need to be shaken and yelled at to get the point... Why it takes all this to get my attention, I have no idea, but sometimes it does...

I am a firm believer of having the courage to walk away from the things that don't suit you or your life... I've walked away before, I know I can again.

Right now I am going to go to bed. I am going to wake up and live the day making choices suitable for my life. After all this is the one life I get...

still

reading "for one more day"... It's an easy read. Easy to relate to. The author writes in simplistic terms, still with the ability to make you think.

I've been finding my writing style. Usually when I write poems I convey an emotion in less words, but strong words... Without giving up the emotion too easily it makes the reader think. I like to do that.

But I think it is a true art form to express in simplistic terms just to get a point across... Some writers are so good that's all they need. i.e. Charles Buckowsky. I want to be a great writer one day. I want it to look seamless and effortless.

I think everyone is a writer in their own right. It's just about getting the silent conversations with yourself out onto paper. Life is about relating. That is a big part of why I write.

I find I am my happiest when I am reading, writing and listening to music. I've been listening to Belle and Sebastian a lot lately.

There was a point in time I was hesitant about being by myself. Some may have even called it neediness. I hated that expression, but to be honest with myself I was very needy. When I finally occupied myself with the things I loved I began to place high value on the time spent in my room with my music and books being... well... by myself.

I like myself better for it. I feel talking is over rated. When there isn't anything to say, there is no point in talking. Some may find this odd coming from me, because I've been known to talk a lot, but honestly I am pretty quiet. Take away the hustle of a place, take away appearance and position, and you just have me. Why talk unless you can improve the silence?

My oldest friend had visitors from out of state. They were staying in a cheap motel next to hooters and the 405 freeway. She asked me to meet up at their motel. So I did.

With the door open smoking like they wanted cancer I entered the room. There was two of them. Brothers. One loud and social. Probably more comfortable to be around for some people. This was the one my friend liked. The other quiet and a little odd, sort of even made you feel uncomfortable.

I am an observer. Even if it may seem like I talk a lot sometimes, there is a lot more going on in my head that just doesn't come out.

Anyway, I observed the one with the louder personality, I listened to his stories and watched how everyone else in the room was so impressed with his demeanor. This was good for his ego, because this is exactly what he wanted to do... impress people, get reactions.

Every once in a while his uncomfortably quiet brother would say something. I can't remember now the things he said, but every time he would speak it was something great and witty. Not because he was trying to be great or witty, but because he just was.

He was the overlooked type. I love those types because usually they quiet ones have the most to say... To me it isn't the quantity that comes out of the mouth, but more so the quality of what is said.

I like people best when they get quiet with life. Seems they find ways to improve the silence not add to the chaos.

for one more day

i randomly grabbed this book off the floor in my grandparent's room. I was doing yoga and decided to read while doing it. Turns out the books pretty good. I read 15 pages and haven't been able to put it down... I might just finish it off tonight.